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Contrary to popular belief, a human needs a lot of guidance to carry out its life. To meet this need, humans have evolved a strong instinct to give advice. This instinct is stimulated by the complaining of a fellow human. Here are some common, advice-triggering complaints.
I hate being single.
My marriage is failing.
My soufflés never rise.
This kind of self-pity triggers the listening human’s instinct to give advice. This instinct is highly developed, so there is no need for the complainer to ask for the advice. Normally, the provoked advice takes the form of irrelevant, personal criticism.
Complainer I hate being single.
Advisor You never listen.
The next highest level of advice is relevant, personal criticism.
Complainer I hate being single.
Advisor You don’t give relationships a chance.
At this level, an optional song lyric may be quoted for emphasis.
Complainer I hate being single.
Advisor You don’t give relationships a chance. All you need is love. Ba da da da daaa.
The highest level of advice, rarely seen in the wild, is a useful call to action.
Complainer I hate being single.
Advisor You should go on a date with that cute pastry chef.1
Humans never pay attention to each other, so usually provide advice in the form of irrelevant, personal criticism. While it would be better to say nothing, this does not satisfy their advisory instinct. The advisor will, instead, provide advice it should be giving to itself. Indeed, a reliable rule, for any given advice, is that it is safe to replace all references to ‘you’ with ‘I’. The advisor is always talking about itself when talking about other people.
Complainer I hate being single.
Advisor I never listen.
Advisor I don’t give relationships a chance. All I need is love. Ba da da da daaa.
Advisor I should go on a date with that cute pastry chef.
Once the advice has been communicated by one party, received by the other, and disregarded as the ramblings of a mad man by everyone within earshot, all those involved will carry on with their problems unsolved as if nothing had been said at all. Amen.
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Also good advice if one’s soufflés never rise, or if one is ensconced in a failing marriage.↩︎