Beauty is the main criteria humans use to judge each other and themselves. Others are height, income, sexual availability and small talk (measured by relevance and joke rate). Historically, beauty has been unmeasurable and could only be found in the eye of the beholder. Modern science has since removed that eye and extracted the beauty-detecting component, which was located inside the retina just under the sunglasses. The mechanism of beauty detection was deconstructed and, with its publication in 1981 in the scientific journal Judgmental, humans are now able to accurately measure another human’s worth by looks alone.

Thankfully, you can judge a book by its cover.

The most important criterion when assessing human beauty is symmetry. A face that is symmetrical about its vertical centreline is more beautiful than a face that isn’t, or a face that is symmetrical about its diagonal. Preference is also given to a human with two legs and two arms. Men should ensure their biceps are equally buff and that both testes hang at the same height. Women should monitor their breasts at all times as points are deducted if one or more goes rogue.

Assuming breast alignment, this subject should be considered beautiful.
An ugly anti-symmetric symbol.

Certain aspects of beauty have remained constant throughout history, e.g. youth and good health. The preference for other aspects, specifically weight, has varied with time. The annual Miss Universe pageant determines the contemporary preference, which is for women with bodies that carry no extra weight. Historical paintings and sculptures show there has been a preference for bodies that do carry extra weight. This change indicates that the science of beauty is working because humans have slowly had their opinion of beauty corrected.

Ugly humans believe that a human’s beauty comes from inside. It is a by-product of personality, grace, compassion and intelligence. Inner beauty is able to shine through even the darkest of exteriors. Fashion magazines do not agree with this hypothesis. This is demonstrated by the fact that Abraham Lincoln has never been featured in a two-page spread.

Despite his compassion and humility, Lincoln only reached 97th in Vogue magazine’s Hunks of History poll.
Dear diary,

Today I saw the most beautiful girl in the whole world. She had the eyes of a saint, the voice of an angel, and the bottom of a saint. When she walked, she was like a graceful ballerina doing the Charleston. As I previously mentioned, her voice was like that of a saint and/or angel. When she talked, it was as if an angel, or saint, or God Himself, was waxing lyrical about New Kids On The Block. I hope beyond hope that we can be together. Me and the girl that is, not me and God. Although, that’s fine too.


Being is what a human does all the time without even trying. Humans take being for granted, so never consider it important. When describing itself, a human ignores being and defines itself in terms of other things it does. It declares it is a “runner,” “doctor” or “hilarious author.” It never simply declares it is, for fear that doing nothing means being nothing. Nevertheless, when apparently doing nothing, a human does one fundamental thing, a human always humans.

A world worlds.
Cogito ergo sum

This phrase, from the philosopher and hilarious author, René Descartes, translates to “I think, therefore I am.” This assertion is incorrect because lots of people don’t think yet continue to be. Thinking is not a requirement for being. A more correct statement is “I am.”

When all the doings of an object are removed and the object is only being, what remains is called the thing-in-itself. This is any object freed from perception and conception. For example, consider an apple without any of its properties: colour, taste, smell, shape and name. What remains is the thing-in-itself, its being (v.).

Like all objects, a human is a thing-in-itself. Without its doings - colour, taste, smell, shape and name - the human thing-in-itself can never be comprehended because it has nothing left to be perceived or conceived. Therefore, a human cannot know its own thing-in-itself, but it can be its thing-in-itself. Indeed, it can’t help but always be its thing-in-itself.

Being right

The only thing a human likes more than being is being right. When a human is often correct, other humans look to it as a leader who can guide them through the thought puzzle of existence. A correct human will correctly be able to grow crops, defend against cow attacks and post a competitive score at a pub trivia night. An incorrect human can do little more than marry well and coast through life.

A herd of cattle eye their next victim.

Being right about things in the external world reinforces a human’s ego. The ego is the mind-created image of self. If a human is consistently correct about external things, it stands to reason it is correct about its own self-image. The ego uses this mechanism to reinforce itself. It makes a human believe it is correct about externalities even when it isn’t. The human believes it is always correct, so believes its own glowing assessment of its mind-created self. Thus, the ego is protected.


Belief is the attempt to end a story without acknowledging there’s more to tell. For example, the Christian story of creation.

Once upon a time, God created the heaven and the earth. And everyone lived happily ever after.

Lack of belief is the acceptance that the story will go on forever, and uncertainty will always exist unless obscured by belief. Without belief, the Christian story is quite different.

Once upon a time, God created the heaven and the earth. Investigations are ongoing.

The above religious example is apt because, when it comes to belief, the most controversial topic is religion, and whether or not children should be forced to accept God’s angry love. This ancient debate has no prospect of being resolved, so humans have dealt with the conflict by keeping believers at a safe distance from the damned. Specifically, humans have segregated themselves into three groups: theists, atheists and agnostics.

A theist believes in a divine power that rules the world with an iron fist or, in the case of Christianity, an iron heart. This deity, or “God” if you will, is responsible for manipulating and/or loving the world. On a day-to-day basis His or Her remit includes,

Theists get different things from their belief in God. Some take great comfort knowing that God is watching, so live happy, sin-free lives. Others are terrified that God is watching, so live uneasy, sin-free lives. Either way, you can’t argue with results.

After a long day judging sinners, God relaxes in a bubble bath.

Atheists are humans who have become disenchanted with God, so no longer visit Him on Sundays. They promise to return if God picks up His game with a few miracles or the long-awaited second coming. In their argument against a strong belief in God, athiests have on their side a strong belief about what God is. With this strong assumption, atheists know that God could not exist. The atheist fight against God will probably continue forever or until the first few smitings.

Some people, who also can’t be bothered turning up at church every week, like to have a good excuse should God ever come knocking. For these fence-sitters, there is agnosticism. Agnostics aren’t sure if God exists. This means they can avoid His boring sermons, but, if they ever end up at the Pearly Gates, they have a strong case for plausible deniability.

Saint Peter rolls his eyes at yet another agnostic’s pathetic dithering.
Etymology of Believe

While the modern word belief means “to hold something as true,” past meanings are more accurately translated into modern language as “to be in love with something” or simply “beloved.” Thus, saying “I believe in God” would have meant “I love God,” not “I believe God is a man in the sky who is very disappointed with everyone.”


A human’s birthday occurs each time the human completes an orbit of the Sun. Humans so love to orbit that they mark the occasion with ice-cream cake, music, alcohol and a party.1 Humans keep track of their orbit count using their age. A 37-year-old human has orbited the Sun 37 times.

A dog celebrates its first birthday, which marks one seventh of an orbit.


One day in the second century AD, some forgetful monks noticed that their written reminders and to-do lists were very interesting. They decided to bind the pages together and sell them at a huge mark up. That first edition of Omnibus Facere sold nearly three copies and was at the top of the New York Times Best-seller List for 1800 years. Since that first success, humans have created more and more books to keep track of all of their terrible ideas.

Terrible human idea #78687098: Pubic hair straightener.

Humans have different kinds of books for remembering different kinds of things. For whimsy, they use fiction books with stories about things that could never happen, such as elves, dragons and class equality. Religious books record important details about God, such as height, weight and forwarding address. Telephone books record listings of every telephone ever made. And notebooks are used to record important, ad hoc details, such as “Chloe and Petey 4 eva.”

Humans think facts are neat, so their most important type of book is non-fiction. Non-fiction books store useful trivia about real things, such as toasters, class equality and US President William H. Taft.

President Taft wrote a non-fiction book about his time in office called The President of Us - We pulled together.

The most interesting part of a library, apart from the car park, is the reference section. Reference books represent the pinnacle of non-fiction literature. This category of books is concerned with listing boring yet reliable information in a fun and accessible way. In the reference section, you will find books with maps, books without maps and encyclopædias, some of which have maps.


A human spends the majority of its life in a state of chronic boredom. While appearing busy - working, socialising, procreating - it has a strong feeling that nothing is happening and nothing ever will. Detours from highway boredom, designated Highway 42, are often taken: sex, alcohol, drugs, a child’s academic achievement. These temporarily distract the bored human before speedily returning it to the dull onramp of crushing boredom.

All roads lead not to Rome but to mundane everyday existence.

Low-tech distractions, such as a new career or family, are too infrequent to cure boredom. The Internet - the real purpose of which is yet to be determined - overcomes this problem in the same way that television does, by providing the possibility of distraction without ever delivering on this promise. Like a gambling addict playing a slot machine that will never pay out, the Internet user navigates from site to site in pursuit of an intriguing distraction that never quite intrigues enough. But dull hope springs eternal, and the blasé hope of real change never fades.

The ultimate method for dealing with boredom is embracing it. Boredom motivates change. By forgoing distracting detours and driving full speed down mundane Highway 4, a human reaches its next destination, which, in this metaphor, is called Excitement Boulevard. This method of boredom overcoming overcame overcoming is acknowledged by all the great minds of history. While working, socialising or procreating, and struck by another bout of boredom, it is likely that Jesus and Gandhi and Einstein said,

“Boredom cannot be ignoredom. And distraction destroys action.” - Muhammad (pbuh)

  1. While other types of cake are available, ice-cream cake is the best and should be everyone’s favourite.↩︎

  2. 4 being the most boring number.↩︎