For belief-ridden humans, God is a man in the sky who watches and controls the world in order to achieve His own ends, being the maximisation of love and the minimisation of sin. But God, or at least the word ‘god’, can be interpreted other ways.

Hindu humans say that God is an actor in many masks who plays the roles of every thing in the world. A tree is God disguised as a tree, a donkey is God in donkey costume, a human is God being an ass. Generally, the world is God playing at being the world. Like a wave on the ocean, which is an expression of the entire ocean, a human is an expression of God, as is everything.

Some humans - including but not limited to drugged-up, good-for-nothing hippies - interpret god as the unity of all things. If love and hate are opposite to each other then they rely on each other for definition and existence. Love cannot exist except in contrast to hate, and vice versa. The name of this unification is God. The unity extends to all things that appear to be contradictory. God is the unity called hate-love, up-down, black-white and beauty-ugly. In general, God is the unity that underlies the world of apparent difference.

“Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil.” - Tao Te Ching, Translated by Gia-fu Feng and Jane English

Lastly, God is defined as that which cannot be defined (read described (read spoken of (read comprehended (read conceived of)))). While science is concerned with defining, describing and conceiving the world by putting it into words and equations, religion is concerned with the experience of the world that is beyond (read below (read behind (read obscured by))) description. God is the world without description, a tree before someone calls it a tree, a donkey before someone calls it a donkey, and a human before someone calls it an ass.

A human just before someone calls it an ass.


When humans aren’t living life to the full, they’re talking about life to the full. Their favourite type of talk is gossip, which quickly passes sensitive information from one human to another human, and then to the world. Gossip can be hot, hurtful, correct, saucy or dull.

Gossip magazines collect the most reliable gossip tidbits and collate them for easy consumption by any human that needs something to do while waiting to see the doctor, dentist or hairdresser.

Hullo Magazine

Nicole Kidman has been enjoying her newly single status with a trip to Hawaii where she was seen flirting with a palm tree. Sources close to the star report that her escape from ex Tom Cruise came just in time, saying “she’d only bought one donut.” Little is known about Nicole’s newest prospect, who is just one in a long line of suitors. Sources close to the palm tree tell us that the two have been together every night except Wednesday, when Nicole wanted to stay in to mend her broken relationship for the sake of her children.

Nicole’s new beau, third form the left.


Common misspelling of ‘Government’.


Government is how humans organise themselves to get things done. If only one human existed, it could govern itself because it could balance its own budgets, tax its own incomes and build its own hospitals. At the time of writing, the human population increased beyond eight billion and is expected to peak at ten billion. Until the population peaks then descends to a solitary, peace-ridden human, government is needed to get things done, which is everything no one else wants to do.

After writing down these chores, humans form governments via the system of human politics, which is the messy process of distributing power. At the end of this schemozzle, humans will have one of the following governments:

In a democracy, humans use their voices to decide things by shouting then voting. Because there are conflicting voices, it is possible that incomes are taxed while budgets remain unbalanced, and hospitals could be condemned before they are built. This inefficiency sometimes causes a dictatorship, where only one voter is allowed.

A dictatorship solves the problem of democracy by silencing the shouting of all humans except the dictator. The dictator decides which budgets to balance and which hospitals to build. Trains will definitely run on time, but a dictatorship introduces a new problem: Only the dictator gets what they want. The people may want to condemn hospitals, but, if the dictator prioritises train punctuality then the people will be disappointed.

A monarchy is a dictatorship with fancy hats.

After a lot of disappointment, some humans give up on democracy and dictatorships, instead opting for a schemozzle, which is also known as ‘anarchy’. This self-destructing government disallows concentrations of power, so only small groups of humans are allowed to shout at each other about what should be done. Local matters are decided by local humans.

An anarchic human group makes a train run on time.

Gregorian calendar

The calendar you use today was created by Pope Gregory XIII, hence the Gregorian calendar, also known as God’s Agenda. In 1582, God asked the Pope to decree the calendar in His name and, despite some initial opposition, the Pope agreed. That decree created the new calendar by reforming the old Julian calendar, which had been in use since its introduction by the Roman dictator Julian Lennon in 46 BC.

The two abbreviations BC and AD denote the separation of the Gregorian calendar into two major parts: before and after the birth of Jesus Christ.

AD stands for Anno Domini, which is a Latin phrase that translates to “in the year of our Lord.” For example, AD 666 refers to the 666th year after the birth of Jesus. Non-Christians complain that using this Christian definition of time discriminates against their own religious beliefs. However, they are free to use the phrase “in the year of your Lord,” or to burn in Hell.

BC typically stands for Before Christ, so 666 BC refers to 666 years before the birth of Christ. Some alternative and equally valid interpretations are Before Christians and Before Christmas. For example, Christmas Eve is 1 sleep BC.

Example month from the Gregorian calendar with a public holiday marked.


When a human loses something important, such as a husband or keys, it experiences feelings of loss and emptiness, which are collectively known as grief. This pain penetrates to the bones of the heart and makes the human sad, angry and fearful in various quantities. The Kübler-Ross model of grief, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, is the most popular human grieving process.

  1. Denial The human uses denial as a defense mechanism against being hurt by the loss. It will say things like “I’m not that ill” or “I’m sure I left my keys here.”

  2. Anger After denying the situation, the human becomes angry because it wants someone (possibly itself) or something to blame for the loss. It is common for it to say things like “Who did this to me?” or “Why can’t people put things back where they found them?”

  3. Bargaining Its anger is frustrated by the inevitability of the situation, so it tries to bargain its way out by saying things like “If you help me now God, I’ll go to church every Sunday” or “If my keys turn up right now, I promise I won’t be angry.”

  4. Depression The human realises that nothing can be done about the loss and becomes downhearted at this prospect. It will say things like “It’s all over, why bother doing anything” or “Lost keys are just the tip of the iceberg, my whole life is a sham.”

  5. Acceptance The human comes to terms with its loss and carries on as best as it can. It says things like “Take me now, LORD!” or “I hated driving anyway, I’ll just walk the 80km to work.”


Humans fear the ground and have created many inventions to get away from it. In increasing order of effectiveness these are,

A human uses these inventions, either one at a time or in combination, to temporarily escape the terrifying ground. Of course, the ultimate goal is to escape the tyranny of ground forever. To achieve this, humans are pursuing two avenues of research:

  1. Space travel, and

  2. absolute weight loss.

By living permanently in space, humans would never touch the ground again. Crude inventions, such as the step-ladder and stilted step-ladder would become obsolete. Investment in space travel is vast and ongoing. Soon, humans will live on permanent space stations and on Mars, where it is believed there is no ground.

The Curiosity Rover has so far failed to detect any ground on Mars.

In lieu of conventional space travel, humans use diet and exercise to escape the surly bonds of Earth and earth. Any high-school physics student will tell you that the force of gravity between a human and the Earth is proportional to the mass of both bodies. If one of the bodies achieves zero mass, via a regime of good food and body combat classes, then the bond of gravity will be defeated leaving the human to float free from the ground and free from fear.