The ultimate goal for every human is to be eternally happy. This aspiration is sensical because the alternative, being an eternal Mr Grumpy Pants, is hardly the behaviour of a big boy. Unfortunately, like an invisible gazelle, happiness is an elusive prey. This is due to the multitude of reasons humans have to be unhappy: the underperfomring economy, complete lack of purpose, and the continued commercial abuse of the Star Wars franchise. Indeed, wise men say that fools rush in, and that the pursuit of happiness is a fool’s errand.
“There is only one inborn erroneous notion … that we exist in order to be happy” - Arthur Schopenhauer (Wise man)
“Misfortune comes from having a body. Without a body, how could there be misfortune?” - Lao Tzu (Wise man)
“Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop!” - Curly (Wise guy)
The pursuit of happiness is doomed because happiness can never be held onto, even with continual effort. A human may work in its dream job, marry its dream partner and sire its dream children, but these things do not preserve happiness. It is the nature of happiness to be fleeting, so humans are advised to abandon their feeble efforts to harness the unharnessable. Instead, they should direct their feeble efforts at something more tangible, like a houseboat.
In the deepest, darkest pits of existence, the best a human can hope for is fleeting bouts of happiness. While these can be medically induced by the ingestion of controlled substances, it is also possible to produce happiness in your own home with a few ordinary household items. To achieve happiness, try spending time with,
a loved one,
your favourtie music, or
a delicious sandwich.
Heaven is where God puts all the humans He no longer has a use for. Before science advanced to its current dizzying levels of trivia, heaven was situated on top of the clouds in the sky. When science threatened to discover this location due to the invention of the aeroplane and autogyro, God moved heaven above the stars where it still resides. If scientists ever discover this new location, God has a contingency plan to move Heaven to a place where no one will ever find it: the place after the last place you look.
If God’s marketing material is to be believed, Heaven is a place where a human will,
wear white robes,
have anything its heart desires, and
spend time learning the harp.
During normal Heavenly office hours, God will be available to answer any and all questions about the nature and meaning of existence.1 Obviously, there are some common questions that arise again and again. For these, God has made answers available in a pamphlet called, Big Questions, Easy Answers.
What is the meaning of life? Being omniscient, I am already aware of your desire to comprehend your place in the world and in My plan. Instead of giving a trite, prepared response, I would like to point out that you do not need to comprehend the meaning of your life in order to have fulfilled it. You have already done a stellar job in completing your life the way you did. If, after reading this, you still feel you want to know more, please see My secretary for an appointment.
I’ve never been very musical, can I spend my time in Heaven doing something other than learning the harp? Of course. I want your stay in Heaven to be as enjoyable as possible. You are welcome to partake in any of the social group activities displayed on the notice board in the lobby. Quoits, water-colour painting and Tai Chi are some of My absolute favourites. But remember, here in Heaven everyone has the capacity to enjoy My love through music, so don’t be discouraged.
When St Peter is on holiday from his post at the Pearly Gates, do you use a temp or do people just have to wait? Luckily for us, Pete is an absolute saint who has never even taken a sick day.
At the time of writing Heaven was approaching its maximum legal occupancy because many humans have gone forth and multiplied as per the standard Judeo-Christian doctrine. Any future humans expecting to be accepted into Heaven after their death may be disappointed because any overflow from Heaven can only be rehoused in Hell.
Normally reserved for the worst humans, such as mass murderers and drivers who give way at intersections when they clearly have the right of way, Hell is currently located approximately 20km under the surface of the Earth. However, this could soon change as geologists and engineers increase subterranean exploration.
According to TripAdvisor Hell is a much less popular destination than Heaven. User WistfulJourneyman67 said,
“This place was almost impossible to find until I bumped into Joseph Stalin, a local who pointed me in the right direction. And I have to say finding it was not worth the effort. Hotels are non-existent, the food is awful, and ladies watch your handbags because there are pickpockets everywhere. I planned to stay for a week but decided to cut it short because the sights are not worth seeing unless you’re really into sadomasochism. Worst of all, it turns out that Hell’s only airport is Heathrow. Enough said. One star.”
A human sent to Hell will be punished for all the bad things it did while alive. These bad things can include murder, theft, mark-to-market accounting, blasphemy, homosexuality, watching Two and a Half Men, starring in Two and a Half Men, incest, adultery, idol worship, idle worship, J-walking and warmongering. In extreme religions, such as Catholicism, the greatest sin a human can commit, which immediately guarantees eternity in Hell, is being born. Some of the most Hellish punishments are,
having the soles of the feet branded with hot irons,
being poked in the eyes by demons, and
being made to feel like you are about to sneeze for all eternity.
Humans are trapped in linear time; people age, plants die, love fades, and cliffs erode into the sea. A human cannot unring a bell. The best they can do is moan about how much better they would have rung the bell if they knew then what they know now.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Søren Kierkegaard, regretful bell-ringer
In the distant future, humans will evolve beyond linear time to perceive circular time, where cause and effect are a loop, so people grow younger and seas deposit cliffs. They will then evolve beyond circular time to perceive Möbius time, where cause and effect mean nothing, so cliffs deposit people and marriages erode age into the sea. Until they evolve, humans remain stuck dwelling on past failures and sometimes learning from them. This backwards perspective is called ‘hindsight’.
Hindsight has two components, regret and improvement. To regret is to look back and wish that something was different.
I wish I had watered my plants.
I wish I had married for love instead of money.
I wish I hadn’t rung that bell.
Regret about which bells should and should not have been rung is a negative feeling that motivates the human to improve future actions.
I will water my plants every day.
I remarried for love and money.
I never ring bells.
“I never ring bells.” - Søren Kierkegaard, reformed bell-ringer
Being stuck in linear time, humans know that judging past actions is unfair because of the benefit of hindsight; it is easy to see what the right thing to do would have been when the wrong thing has already been done. When their perception evolves into circular time, humans will see it is unfair to judge any action, past or future, because cause and effect are inseparable. And in Möbius time, bells do not ring, they marry plants for love into the sea.
Human is a derogatory term for a member of the species Homo sapien. A human is identified by its opposable thumbs, highly developed neocortex and large credit card debt. Humans use their giant brains to grow crops, farm animals and consolidate debt. When not struggling to survive, humans partake in various relaxing activities, such as wake boarding or trumpet lessons.
Humans come in all shapes and sizes, making discrimination easy and fun. If an alien species visited Earth to classify human life, it would conclude that all humans are identical, in the same way that a human might think all foreigners are identical. Humans obviously know better than to think that all humans are identical. They prefer to think of themselves as unique with a soupcon of togetherness.
Human technology and activity have developed so much that they are affecting the Earth in a manner that is detrimental to the continuation of the human species. In the near future the human capacity to grow crops, farm animals or refinance may be limited.
Officially, there is no collective term for a group of humans. Some terms under consideration are a burden of humans, a floundering of humans and an Internet of humans. Despite not having a word for a simple group, humans do have a word for the group of all humans, ‘humanity’. Whenever humans want to refer to themselves in the third person, ‘humanity’ is the word they use. It includes every human who ever lived and those who died trying.
Simply being human doesn’t guarantee a place in humanity. There is a high standard of behaviour that a human must maintain or they risk immediate expulsion. Human children are granted free admission to humanity because they are inherently wonderful. Beyond childhood, humans must maintain high levels of generosity, courage and compassion or risk being branded inhuman. Inhuman humans are ostracised by humanity, and no amount of genetic testing will allow them to re-enter.
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