M

Malcolm X

Unlike his more robotic predecessors, Malcolm A to Malcolm W, Malcolm X was a synthetic lifeform that was entirely convincing as a human being. In every respect, he was made to be lifelike in order for him to carry out his prime directive of triumphing the rights of black people in America.

A display at the Smithsonian showing Malcolm C (left) alongside the more sophisticated Malcolm J.

A display at the Smithsonian showing Malcolm C (left) alongside the more sophisticated Malcolm J.

Malcolm F, shown here leading the black side to victory.

Malcolm F, shown here leading the black side to victory.

Built in 1925 from parts salvaged from a clapped-out Model T Ford, Malcolm X was raised by his human parents until his father died when Malcolm was six. Seven years later his mother was admitted to a mental institution. Malcolm was forced to support himself with petty crime and menial work.

Malcolm D working part-time at NASA.

Malcolm D working part-time at NASA.

Malcolm served time in prison for stealing fresh batteries. During his incarceration, he joined the Nation of Islam, a Muslim organisation that fought for the rights of black people and robots in America. As a member, Malcolm learned how the white population was enslaving, disempowering and unplugging blacks. The leaders of the group went even further, teaching that black people and robots were better than white people and robots.

Released from prison, the older and wiser Malcolm became disillusioned with the Nation of Islam and its hatred. He boxed himself up in his original factory packaging and set off on a pilgrimage to Mecca. He met many wonderful Muslim friends of all colours and programming. He returned to America free of the racial hatred that the Nation of Islam had taught him.

Malcolm arrives home form his pilgrimage.

Malcolm arrives home form his pilgrimage.

The Nation of Islam did not like that Malcolm had reprogrammed himself and made attempts to kill him. In 1965, they succeeded in shooting Malcolm to death. But what the Nation of Islam couldn't kill was Malcolm's legacy of respect for all men regardless of race. This is what made Malcolm a real human.

Marketing

Modern marketing is the effort to extract money from humans by making them feel bad. This differs from ye olde marketing, which was the effort to promote the uses and benefits of products being sold.

Buy soap, it keeps you clean (use) so you won't get sick (benefit).

The new approach disregards the frivolous ornaments of use and benefit to focus on the purchasing human.

Soap. You're nothing without it!

This new sales approach is a 2-step process called Satan's 2-StepTM.

  1. Condemn humanity to an existential vacuum that allows nothing save isolation, loneliness, inadequacy and despair.

  2. Offer humanity products that promise a way out of said vacuum at prices that can't be beat.

Any god good saleshuman will tell you that it is easier to keep existing customers than gain new ones. To guarantee repeat business, the products offered in step two should promise a way out of despair but never deliver. This is straightforward because no product can solve the problem of existential angst.

A human learns that, far from alleviating despair, soap can greatly enhance it.

A human learns that, far from alleviating despair, soap can greatly enhance it.

Despite this book's title, Everything1, it is beyond its scope to say that the marketing industry carried out step one of Satan's 2-Step or only exacerbated it for its own gain. It is likely the vacuum was created by the demise of organised religion, which is anecdotally said to have provided guidance and comfort in existential matters.

Regardless of how the vacuum was created, it has been refined by marketing departments around the world, with the man most responsible being James Dyson. The result is that humanity is now too sceptical to believe in the spirit of god but does believe in the spirits of Chanel, Coca-Cola and Ronald McDonald.

After refining the existential vacuum, James Dyson applied the technology to various consumer products.

After refining the existential vacuum, James Dyson applied the technology to various consumer products.

Manners

Humans always impose order when possible. Trains always run on time when possible, bills are always paid on time when possible, and chicken is always eaten before its expiration date when possible. At the human-to-human level, order is always kept by the imposition of manners, which is a set of spoken and unspoken, written and unwritten, and legislated and unlegislated rules that state what humans can and should do, and when to can and do them when possible.

This list is a selection of the manners that a human can and should do when possible.

Like laws against fraud and murder, these are only rules of thumb, and one should never be strict with a rule of thumb. A human should always eat with its mouth closed when possible, except when inserting food into the mouth and, if regurgutation is unavoidable, it should never be done with the mouth closed when possible.

With these simple manners mastered, a human can begin combining them to inform more complex behaviours.

Etymology of Manners

Plural of manner. At the end of its first class at finishing school, a human will have learnt its first manner.

A well-mannered human once said, "good manners cost nothing." Seeing this gap in the market, this human founded the first finishing school that taught young humans about old people and their dislike of being reminded of how old they are. This type of schooling is regarded by most humans as out-of-date and stuffy. But, even in the hip, care-free, online world of today there are many young humans that would benefit from a rigourous course of manners when possible.

Money

Money is any object or paperwork that is agreed by humans to have value. It grows on the fabled money tree and typically comes in coin, paper and electronic forms. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. For example, when being mugged, a human can pay for its freedom with its money or its life.2 In addition to traditional coins and cheques, the mugger may also accept electronic money, such as credit cards and online bank transfers.

It used to be that money was made from valuable materials like gold, silver and cashmere. This was called commodity money because the money was made from a commodity. Using a coin meant the weight of the commodity was standardised and guaranteed. Its worth could be trusted and traded for goods of equivalent value, such as knitwear.

Carrying coins made from precious metals was inconvenient and dangerous, so banks and governments invented representative money, which is a coin or note not made from valuable material. If requested, these can be traded for the amount of valuable material it represents. Any animal, vegetable or mineral can be used to back representative money, but the gold standard is the gold standard.

Many South American nations use the chihuahua standard. Coins can be exchanged at any time for the equivalent value of tiny dogs.

Many South American nations use the chihuahua standard. Coins can be exchanged at any time for the equivalent value of tiny dogs.

Modern money is not made from valuable materials, instead coins are mostly copper, nickel and polyester. Thus, they are not traded for their own material worth. Nor can they be traded for the equivalent gold, silver or canine. Instead, they have value because the government makes laws saying they have value. This is called fiat money. When governments create money, they are declaring it to be legal tender that cannot be refused as a means to settle debt.

Being able to conjure money from the abyss gave governments a lot of flexibility in financial matters. The logical conclusion was electronic money, which has no material presence at all. Instead, electronic money is made from hopes and dreams.

Historical know-it-all Aristotle defined what he thought turned a regular object into money.

  1. Durability It must be long-lasting and reliable. For physical objects, this means being made from metal. Electronic money should be saved to disk regularly to avoid losing your changes.

  2. Portability Money must be easily carried and transferred. Coins and bank notes satisfy this condition. Electronic money is infinitely portable because it can be moved and laundered at the speed of light.

  3. Divisibility It must be able to be broken into smaller pieces and reformed into larger pieces. Gold and silver coins have this ability. Electronic dollars can be split into smaller pieces and reformed into one giant Swiss bank account. Chihuahuas do not meet this requirement because two chihuahua halves are not easily formed into one whole chihuahua.

  4. Intrinsic value The money object should have value aside from being money. Gold coins have intrinsic value because gold is valuable. The metal of a modern coin is worth far less than the monetary value of the coin, so modern money does not meet this criterion. This proves that modern money isn't really valuable, or that Aristotle was wrong again.

Regarding the last point, Aristotle's get out of jail free card is that modern coins and bank notes are valuable because they are scarce. As long as everyone agrees coins are valuable and always in short supply, the free market is the winner, and the barter system can go jump in a lake.


  1. Made you look.

  2. Consult an accountant to find the best solution for your personal circumstances.