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Narrative

All humans love a good story, and their tastes vary widely. Young humans like stories about love and danger with a happy ending. Whereas old humans like stories about love and danger with a happy ending. Famous examples of stories that satisfy these requirements are,

Some stories are not satisfactory because they do not include love, danger and/or a happy ending.

In addition to these made-up narratives, humans like true narratives. These are the stories humans live every day.

These true stories also include love, danger and a happy ending. In the story of God’s chosen people, the love is for God and self, the danger is from others, and the happy ending is when everyone acknowledges that we are righteous and correct.1

Every day, humans are told these stories by adverts, media and other humans who repeat the stories without noticing.

It is the not noticing that separates these stories from normal stories about dwarves, dudes and lost cars. Normally, a human recognises a story as made-up. These true stories are not recognised as made-up, so are recognised as truth.

Nature

When you look out your window, nature is everything you see that isn't gun crime. It is the totality of the biological, chemical and physical processes that occur on Earth. Humans are one small part of nature, but their role is not integral to nature's continuation. Should humanity ever grind to a halt due to war, climate change or a particularly nasty traffic jam, nature will carry on.

When it isn't too inconvenient, humans value nature a great deal. They prove this by paying a premium for natural yoghurt. Humans are always improving on what nature has given them. They turned apples into Snapple, pepper into Dr Pepper, and sawdust into sausages. Improved, man-made items are not considered natural because without humanity nature would never come up with such a great range of tasty and convenient products.

Tasty and convenient meat tubes. Nature not required.

Tasty and convenient meat tubes. Nature not required.

Mother Nature is the affectionate personification of the loving and giving world that sustains life and fills everything with vitality and chlorophyll. Her husband, Father Nature, is a parish priest with a drinking problem.

Many cultures see the Earth as their mother. Presumably so they feel OK about taking advantage of her.

Many cultures see the Earth as their mother. Presumably so they feel OK about taking advantage of her.

Needs

Experiments of questionable ethics show that humans don't want to die. This is despite death being the easier option in the long run. In order to achieve its lofty ambition of not dying, a human requires certain conditions and resources. These requirements are the things a human needs to be happy and healthy, or at least healthy, or at least not dead. The psychologist, Abraham Maslow, is the man who defined and prioritised human needs. He created an easy-to-use and easy-to-mock hierarchy of needs.

A human clings to life.

A human clings to life.

Maslow's hierarchy of human needs includes these groups of needs.

The hierarchy is represented as a pyramid that is similar to the balanced diet pyramid.2 The basic physiological needs are at the base, love is in the middle and self-actualisation is at the top. A mummified pharaoh may be entombed within.

Maslow's hierarchy sans Mummy.

Maslow's hierarchy sans Mummy.

News

Humans are immensely interested in what's currently happening in the world. They are less concerned with what's happening outside the world, but could be brought onboard with a small amount of encouragement. To keep up-to-date on what's what in the world of current events, humans use newspapers, TV, radio, and the Internet. With their powers combined, they become Captain Daily Planet.5

Etymology of News

News is the plural of 'new'. If there is only one news story, a TV presenter should say, "And now, a new."

A news story is a short summary of a newsworthy event. Many humans do not have time for this short version of a news event, so reporters summarise their summary with a headline. This is a single line that explains the entire news story.

With so many channels of news available, televisual and otherwise, news reporters are not provided with enough news to fill their allotted reporting time and space. This is especially true for 24-hour news channels. Newscasters overcome this problem by filling their reporting with discussion about the news. Once the facts of the news are presented, reporters can begin endless analysis. Television news programs discuss what newspapers are reporting. Newspapers report on television news coverage. This recursive news reporting guarantees bottomless news.

Dog with three legs doing fine

by Cameron "hop along" Davis

A dog that had a leg amputated, after being run over by a heavy person with a grudge, has been released from hospital and is doing fine. He is now resting at home and considering his options.

Surprisingly upbeat after his ordeal, the dog is able to walk, run and remain stable on all rough surfaces. This is due to the fact that three points always form a plane.

Before his accident, the dog was considering going for a walk, and this hasn't been ruled out. The park is still high on his list of priorities.

The heavy person refused to comment.

Analysis on pages 3, 4, 5, 12 and 33, and online.

Next week: BODY OF LAZARUS REDISCOVERED AGAIN

Nothing

Humans give nothing a bad wrap. They consider being nothing and doing nothing to be the worst things in the world. Everything related to nothing gets this treatment too. Idleness is wasted time. Sleep and rest are necessary evils that serve only to restore humans back to fully employed doing. Death is the most nothing a human can be, so is the biggest no-no. Humans are so put off by death that it is reduced to its bare minimum, being the disposal of the body in a funeral. To avoid nothingness, humans live their lives at a great pace under the mistaken belief that, like a shark, they will die if they stop moving forward.

Despite its reputation, nothing should not be feared. It fills in the gaps between the somethings. Ergo, the somethings are defined by the nothing that surrounds them. Without nothing, the somethings would be indistinguishable from each other. They would all smoosh together into one contiguous (no)thing. The unseeable nothing contrasts against the somethings to make them seeable. The following examples demonstrate this relationship.

Indeed, it doesn't make sense to identify an isolated crest because it would not exist without a trough. A wave is really a crest-trough. It follows that the world is nothing-something and human existence is death-life.

"That which is void is precisely form, and that which is form is precisely void." - Alan Watts

The interdependence of something and nothing is mentioned in the Bible's Book of Genesis.

"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep."

The statement, "the earth was without form and void," may mean that the earth was without form and was void. Alternatively, it may be interpreted that the earth was without form and without void. I.e. the earth was without form-void. God created the form-void because form alone is meaningless without the contrast of void.

Number

Humans like to know how many things there are in the world. For example, the Chinese Government make it their business to count how many children their citizens are giving birth to. To make the tallying of conceptions and general counting possible, humans invented numbers. Since this inception, numbers have been given more uses beyond simple population control. They are an important part of daily life, be it in gambling, The Price is Right or on the telephone.

When numbers originated in the stone age, only small amounts of things could be counted. Neanderthal man found it easy to count groups of one, three or two, but any more than that and primitive humans needed to use a scientific calculator. As humans studied more, their capacity for numbers grew. A modern human is capable of counting up to seven all by itself.

Some numbers are more important than others. For example, 1233 is hardly used at all, but 1234 is the security code that St. Peter uses to open the Pearly Gates. Here are some other important numbers.

![A family gathers to watch *MASH* for the 5, 324, 183, 033, 910, 684, 939, 170, 083, 222, 749, 022, 872, 727, 112, 952, 554, 777, 372, 000, 282, 261, 993, 728, 391, 492, 114, 364, 291, 083, 132nd time.](images/television.jpg)

  1. Also true for the story of America being great.

  2. Cookie Monster, Sesame Street, 1982.

  3. Homeostasis is the combination of Greek words, homo meaning similar and stasis meaning cheeseburger.

  4. Monty Python, Life of Brian, 1979.

  5. The author feels that this joke needs explanation, which all the best jokes do. You see, the sentence, "With their powers combined, they become Captain Planet," is a quote from the children's cartoon series, Captain Planet. And the Daily Planet is the fictitious newspaper from the Superman comic book world. So, in this joke, the Daily Planet represents a citizenry informed by news. And, well frankly, the whole Captain Planet thing just popped into the author's head, so there's no real backstory there. Still, there it is, the birth of a joke. To be honest, jokes don't normally survive dissection. This one certainly didn't.

  6. You see this joke is funny because in this sentence 'one' is used as a placeholder for 'a number', which was mentioned previously in the sentence, but 'one' can also be interpreted as the number 1. Thus, the sentence has two interpretations. Firstly, zero is a placeholder for any number. And secondly, zero is a placeholder for 1, which is a specific number (not the general idea of any number). The author hopes that if you did not enjoy this joke much the first time around, you will enjoy it more on subsequent readings with this further explanation. For those readers who understood this double meaning on first reading, please disregard this message.