Welcome to the world of knowing! In this book, you’ll find everything1 you ever wanted to know about humans but were too lazy to ask. After facing the facts in this sacred text, you will know everything2 worth knowing, and nothing that isn’t. At the conclusion of your reading, you will be fulfilled on every level: spiritually, emotionally, sexually and financially.
For a modern, attractive person, such as yourself, knowledge is a necessary evil. In the current age of information and flaming death, you are saturated by spurious facts from newspapers, the Internet and climate scientists. Wisdom has taken a back seat to trivia. No one is asking What’s the meaning of life? Instead, they’re asking Who wants to be a millionaire? Everything* fills in the blanks by providing accurate information about everything.3
This book will take you on a journey from where you are now to where you will be when you finish reading it. Treasure it as you treasure your own kind. Treat it with reverence. Promote it to your friends, family and anyone with a disposable income. With your help, this book will eventually replace the Gideon Bible.
Also, this book is for any alien wishing to learn more about humanity, whether it be for pleasure or to learn their weaknesses to aid a forthcoming invasion.
“Knowledge is a metaphor that begins with a single step.” - Cameron “wise words” Davis
If you made it this far, chances are you already know how to read, so a concise summary of the fundamentals of the English language is not included at this juncture. If you purchased this book despite your illiteracy, fear not! You will likely absorb the knowledge contained within by osmosis, and your friends will certainly think more of you for owning it.
Along the way, you will see short highlighted sections like those shown below. These provide extra information or a different perspective on the topics they appear in.
Humans love to reminisce about how bad their day, week, month and life was, so many of them keep a diary or ‘feelings journal’. The Dear diary boxes show extracts from authentic human diaries, so enlighten the subject matter from a real human’s perspective.
Words aren’t just plucked out of thin air: they’re plucked out of thick dictionaries. One type of expert who is responsible for putting them in there is the etymologist. When not being the life of one of the many parties they are invited to, an etymologist studies the history of words and how they developed through time. The Etymology of boxes explain that history, so take a look and learn something for once in your life.
Some words that are plucked out of thin air are ‘flooglehoond’ and ‘cluxenberry’.
Made you look.↩︎
Made you look again.↩︎
Made you look yet again.↩︎